First, I am a very oversensitive girl. I don't want to be a sensitive girl. They're weak, and basically a wimp but I can't change myself. I tried to but whenever I did, I felt like I'm lying to myself, trying to pretend to be someone I'm not, which I am. So, I quit that long time ago. I decided that if someone wants to get to know me, they have to accept me as I am. A sensitive girl. However, this decision of mine took a big backlash as people started to hate me because I'm stand-offish, thus they redeemed me as an arrogant bitch, just because I'm uncomfortable with who they are. Yeah, I'm a hypocrite, I know. But, I just hope that one day people could crack my defense system and prove to me that I can be who I am without any prejudices. I am not an arrogant bitch, I just have this abnormal way of being friendly with people. They have to try to knock down my wall first, then you can enjoy me as the real me. A crazy bitch this time. But a good crazy. I think.
Anyhow, another bad personality that I have is that I am a vengeful person. I mean like, very vengeful. I can hold grudges like nobody's businesses. I mean it, people. I am the master of holding grudges. Once, my mother didn't want me to be a prefect and I stopped talking to her for two months. I am dead serious.
This remind me of the reason why I became grudgeful. I was a very easy lay-back kid eons ago. You can say that I didn't hold any grudges and if a person hurts my feeling, I would sulk for a couple of minutes (alone), then I'm back as normal. You must be wondering how I changed from that person to the person who stopped talking to her own mother for two months because she didn't get her way. The reason is to my third bad characteristic. I have this tendency of being the opposite of what people said/thought about me.
The story was like this. One day, when I was a kid, eons ago, my mother talked to my older brother, Angah, and she said to him that I was a person who came out of her sulking very quickly. Lo-and-behold, due to that simple comment, I wanted to prove that my mother was wrong and I was not who she thought I was, and thus I changed myself. I turned myself to a vengeful person and held my grudges for ages until I feel better to let that person in again. I don't know why I did that. Maybe because I thought what my mother tried to say was an insult to me or maybe I wanted to prove her wrong because I didn't want people to take advantage of me because I was pretty laid-back kid back then.
Another example to support this was when I was super diligent with house chores when I was a kid, eons ago. I would clean up the kitchen everyday. Every time I saw dirty dishes in the sink, I would wash them. I would rearrange the dishes in their own respective place, though it enraged me when people put the smaller plate below and the bigger plate above and so on. Then one day, I saw the sink full of dirty dishes and it ached me (tremendously) and I got that urge to clean them up before I went to bed. It was past midnight and my mother told me to sleep but I JUST CANNOT sleep with the dirty dishes in the sink. My fingers were twitching to clean them up. So, I woke up in the middle of the night, after my mother fell asleep and went to clean them. I did it slowly with a pain-killing speed because I didn't want to wake up my mother.
How the story ended? My mother heard me washing the dishes and told me to sleep and wash them tomorrow on the morning. I left the dirty dishes, with a longing sight and I made a vow to myself. Never will I clean my own dishes when my mother asked me to because when I really wanted to do them, my mother told me 'no' and 'go to bed', though she absolutely meant nothing harmless by that. But my stupid brain at that time, interpreted it in a different way.
This leads us to my second bad character. Vengeful. I made a vow that day and until now, I lived through that. I tried to change it, but it was like my subconscious mind was saying, 'No. No. Remember what happened eons ago?' So, yeah. That is where my laziness derived.
That grudgeful character caused me a lot of precious time being wasted and precious people abandoned because I was too stubborn in nursing my own wound and tightening up ego that I forgot that there are people out there that don't like being hold grudge at, and I had that pain once of being on the other side of the field and I immediately realize that I need to change myself.
So, that is all of it. For the first problem, I need to get more life experience. The more you're exposed to the real world out there, the more bulletproof your mental wall due to the different exposures. So, yeah. Need to get more life experience. The second one, just like what Idina Mendel said, I will try to 'let it go'. Perhaps it will help, perhaps it won't. I don't know the realistic alternative yet. The third one, I have no idea how. It wasn't like I will it to. It was like subconsciously, my mind decided that way. For this, I guess I just have to will it through and fight against it. Yes!
Anyhow, this is all for now. I've been thinking about these things for awhile now and that's why I decided to let it all out here, in hoping that maybe, it will lessen the burden on top of my crowded head. So, until later. Love y'all. Will write more soon. Bye. And laters.
Feeling A Little Bit Better,