Saturday, April 16, 2016
Today is the day when I lost you. I cried to sleep today, you know. Full of regrets. Full of unkept promises. Full of unfulfilled dreams. You were one of those amazing men I've ever encountered. Sure, you weren't perfect. But you were the right kind of 'imperfection'. I miss you.
I can't believe that I have lost you, Jepun. No more stories from you, huh. I'll miss our stupid stories together. It is with such sadness and guilt that I couldn't meet you as soon as I found out about your cancer. I am sorry that I couldn't be a good friend to you. You deserved more than this. You were not supposed to die. Not when you were only 19- 20 next month. You left too soon.
Thank you for borrowing your last 10 years on me. Thank you for being my friend, and sharing your memories with me. I shall guard it with my life. Thank you for being there when I needed you. I will miss you. A lot.
p.s. It kills me to write you in past tense.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
I am done. My mental self is now crawling on the floor. Searching for absolution. I am crawling, searching for source of light. I am so in dark here.
A few days ago, I finally got to hear Imagine Dragon's Demon. I almost cried at the lyric. It is what I've always thought about myself. That I'm beyond salvageable. That I am past beyond help. No one can save me. No one can tame this beast inside me. The beast that have helped me during my time in need. The beast that loved me during the worst time of my life. My lovely beast. The one who protect me, love me, save me, entertain me, make me want to live. How can I let my beast go, when I love her so much, because having her with me is wrong? So wrong. But I love her. She's the reason why I am still here, though fucked-up in the end, but I'm here, aren't I?
I cannot let her go. She is so deeply engraved in me that getting rid of her, would also be getting rid of me. And that is the honest truth. We cannot be separated and hence, I will not leave my beast. No.